I know most of us from time to time play some sort of fantasy in our head when we are knee deep in the middle of a kick ass workout. And I would like to think that in the middle of say, those Clean and Presses or kick boxing class or a really good run, I’m not the only one thinking about how much butt I can kick. Sure, maybe most of you are thinking about beating that PR or getting mentally even with that annoying co-worker in your head. But sometimes my mind goes a wonkier route then that and I think things like, how much butt can I kick in say, a zombie apocalypse.
Let me go on record first by saying, I am a nerd. A full-fledged, card carrying, Star Trek convention attending nerd. I swoon over Captain Picard and wish I was a cross between Princess Leia and Marion Ravenwood.
And while my fantasies might range from escaping spear tossing indigenous folks, punching the bad guy in the throat or floating in the air next to Yoda, my brain is elsewhere this week. This week we are between the season finale of “Fear the Walking Dead” and the start of season 6 of “The Walking Dead”. So this week, my brain is on Zombies. And if we want to continue down the road of me oversharing, I am a zombie nerd. I’ve read the graphic novels. I mean, I’m the gal who squealed one Christmas when given the Max Brooks: World War Z and The Zombie Survival Guide box set (complete with poster which I do plan on framing). I am also the person who will wax poetic for hours with my brother Paul over zombie survival strategies (they freeze in the cold FYI, you’re welcome).
As a strong, fit person, I would like to think that I have some skills to survive something like a zombie apocalypse (hypothetically of course, I really don’t think there will be one just for the record). I can run, I was a competitive swimmer, I can climb, I have strength to haul and carry things, I’m fearless when I need to be (which is odd for a person afraid of everything). I can fish, I can cook on the fly, and I was a Girl Scout all the way up to the Cadette level. Which is, like, too old to be a Girl Scout nerd level. But regardless of all these strengths there is one thing that will bring me down faster than any flesh eating threat. I’m blind as a bat. Like, can’t see two feet in front of my face blind. And I doubt there would be a lot of Optometrists on hand during a zombie apocalypse. I’m either zombie food or worse a Klutzy fool bothering my fellow survivors. I mean, God, who wants to be the Urkele of the zombie apocalypse? “Did I do that?”
As I had this conversation with Matt, my ever so genius husband had pointed out that the thing to do would be to take glasses off of the dead. Seriously, mind blown. Whether they were the proper prescription or not. You can give them to others who need them if that be the case. Why has no one thought of that before? Because I know if I’m not wearing glasses, and I don’t have a pair of contacts (which come on, who’s going to be able to search for a missing contact when a hoard is coming), then I will have to learn some blind monk Shaolin shit pretty fast to survive. Or I guess suck it up and get Lasik. Yeah, maybe I’ll finally give into getting elective surgery pre-zombie apocalypse. Where’s the blind Achilles’ heel now?